Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
