A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
