i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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