tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
