Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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