allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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