What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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