Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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