I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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