careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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