The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i would punch a child for taco bell
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
