you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
