Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
