I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
