literally had 100 drinks last night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
