Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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