dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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