i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just pee around me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
