whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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