I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
