I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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