genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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