I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
