I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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