the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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