theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
we're so committed to being not committed
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
