I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
