i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
