i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
