Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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