on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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