it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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