Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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