wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
