K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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