how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
