I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
