fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
