so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
These tits shall not be calmed
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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