You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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