Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
