Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
