I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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