I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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