My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
