I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
