Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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