Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
