Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize