he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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