These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
