I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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