took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
