fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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