My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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