I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
